How wise I am to have 

instructed the butler to 

instruct the footman to 

instruct the doorman to 

order my carriage;

I am about to volunteer a 

definition of marriage.

Just as I know that there are 

two Hagens, Walter 

and Copen,

I know that marriage is a 

legal and religious alliance 

entered into by a man who 

can’t sleep with the window 

shut and a woman who can’t 

sleep with the window open.

Moreover, just as I am 

unsure of the difference 

between flora and fauna 

and flotsam and jetsam,

I am quite sure that marriage 

is the alliance of two 

people one of whom never 

remembers birthdays and 

the other never forgetsam,

And he refuses to believe 

there is a leak in the water 

pipe or the gas pipe and she 

is convinced she is about to 

asphyxiate or drown,

And she says, Quick get 

up and get my hairbrushes 

off the window sill, it’s 

raining in, and he replies, 

Oh they’re all right, it’s only 

raining straight down.

That is why marriage is so 

much more interesting than 

divorce,

Because it’s the only known 

example of the happy 

meeting of the immovable 

object and the irresistible 

force.

So I hope husbands and 

wives will continue to 

debate and combat over

everything debatable and 

combatable,

Because I believe a little 

incompatibility is the spice 

of life, particularly if he has 

income and she is pattable.