Sitcom Trilogy
Episode 1A & 1B
D.C. at the end of an aria denotes it as a da capo aria.
Scene 1
Bettina There's just something so perverted
About having sex
With a really dumb person
It's like doing it with a bouncy house or something
Yes, sex with a really dumb person -
Like doing it with a bouncy house or something
OVERTURE
Bettina I'll go through almost anything
To any lengths
For pleasure
But lately
I've been finding
That the payoff's just not enough
I'll go with most anyone
Alluring enough, no matter how dumb,
For pleasure
But my enjoyment synapses
Have just been ground down into dust
I've not felt true proper pleasure in an age
Max What will you do?
Bettina What will I do?
Max Yes, any big ideas?
For other ways of taking pleasure in your body?
And might I be of assistance?
Bettina What will I do?
What does anyone our age do?
I'm going to take up running in the park
In ever-increasing circles
Though of course never after dark
I'm going to take up running very fast around the park
I've just triumphed through five miles for the very first time
And right now despise myself just ever so slightly.
Max Well if you must.
I understand.
Though do just let me know if I might be of any assistance
Feeling located in one's body is a vital part of life
And a feeling I once knew very well also
Bettina You're in fair shape
Max You should have seen me in my youth
In that golden joyous frolicking time before my banishment
Bettina Your banishment?
Max Something you may not know about me, Bettina
It gives me no pleasure to confess
I am banned from every nightclub in this city
Bettina Why banned? Why banished?
Max It's simple -
For being ahead of my time
Every dancefloor in this city stands forbidden to me
I'm just so dangerously far ahead of my time, you see
My dance so bold it makes walls strip off their paint lustily
My dance so bold I'm mistaken for drunk by all who see
I'm a man who has spent too much of life forbidden to dance
But tonight's grand opening of a new nightclub offers me a fresh welcome chance
No more being hurled out fire exits into gutters
Join me tonight, Bettina, we'll astound all those philistine motherfuckers (D.C.)
Max exits.
Bettina A new nightclub, eh
One of those big on-trend cavernous warehouse-type places no doubt
Fine, why not
Bettina makes to exit.
Bettina If I get too bored I guess
I can always run a good few laps of the room.
Vendetta enters.
Bettina Hey Vendetta.
Vendetta That's what they call me.
Bettina Have you ever seen Max dance?
Vendetta Let me put it this way
I used to want to marry Max
And then I saw him dance
Now I wouldn't even let him park my car
Bettina exits.
Joan enters.
Joan The streets in this city are a horror.
A seething micro-sized trench warfare.
A vista of distressed concrete upheaval
This lopsided filth, I'm supposed to place my clean and level heels on?
The city streets are riddled with these craters
It's abysmal, something should be done
Still, call the council on the phone
And what do you get exactly?
A great big sack of nothing, that's what.
I can't keep walking on such uneven and dilapidated streets
I'm worried I'll develop cubist hoof
Vendetta Cubist hoof is
Hereditary
You're either born with it
Or not
Joan Well, then I'm worried I'm going to die
Be reborn
And come back as someone with a cubist hoof
Vendetta I thought you were afraid of heights, Joan
You should like potholes
They put you even lower in the ground
Joan (snappishly) –
I live on the ground floor, not in a basement
There's a reason for that
Street level living, precisely street level
It affords me equilibrium
Besides, with potholes
I'm always afraid I'll fall in
Vendetta You know the answer don't you?
The city's not going to lift a finger.
Vigilante roadworks.
That's the way.
Joan I beg your pardon?
Vendetta Vigilante roadworks.
“If you want something done properly, best do it yourself”.
Just go around and fill them in yourself.
Joan I beg your pardon?
Engage in manual labour?
Vendetta Just think of the grief it'll save you.
It's easy. Roadwork. I'll help
Old grandmama taught me how
We were always doing our own road repairs
Back home, I can tell you
So what d'you say?
Friday night?
Let's set about cleaning up these mean streets
Joan Oh, fine
Vendetta Fantastic
Nothing like vigilante roadworks
There is nothing like it
Nothing
Like vigilante roadworks
That's for sure
Scene 2
Outside the new nightclub. Bettina approaches the doorway.
Bettina Nightclub security
The typical goons
Which clenched face will be raking their banana-bunched
fingers through my handbag tonight, then, I wonder?
The bouncer begins to pat her down.
Bettina But what's this?
No massage artist ever had hands so magical as these...
Nor was violin ever plucked or played upon so sweetly
For so long now, each and every human touch has failed to satisfy me
Yet now I'm gaining ecstatic pleasure being briskly frisked in a doorway
This stern guardian of the nightlife has harsh hands which engorge my every contour
Come here often? Let's just say I'm going to be coming here a lot more. (D.C.)
Exits into club.
Scene 3
Inside the club – Bettina and Max.
Max Bettina, darling
Isn't it fantastic?
The dancefloor has been calling me
But I wanted to wait for you
Are you quite yourself?
You're very pale
And trembling
Bettina Yes I am very pale
Yes I am trembling, very trembling
And I've never felt better in my life
Max Well I guess that's the transformative power
Of a good nightclub for you
Bettina I could use about eight brandies
Where's the bar?
Max On that I'm afraid I can't help you
You know I never touch a drop of alcohol on dancing nights
They're just too sacred
Never alcohol
When dancing
Bettina Max, you've been at least half-smashed
The whole time I've known you
Max Well, what can I say
Forbid a man his dancing
And he must fill that aching void with something
But now, I'm back, baby
Woah, hot dog, am I back...
Now, without further ado...
Prepare to howl 'ooh-la-la' at my cha-cha-cha
To testify as my fluid physicality sears and gratifies the eyes
To regard this most seductive dance of orgiastic bold romance
To behold me in my natural habitat
Which is that
Of DANCE!
Max begins his dance. It's extraordinary – despite being sober, he dances with all the appearance of being the drunkest person in human history. He pinwheels, collapses, springs up again, convulses, does the worm, the whole gamut. Everyone else in the club stops what they're doing and stares agape. It's an unbelievable spectacle. Eventually a representative of nightclub security moves up to Max.
A mini-duet...
Bouncer Sir, you are clearly very intoxicated
I shall have to request that you exit
Max I can assure you I'm not intoxicated
And have no inclination to exit
Bouncer Sir, you are clearly very intoxicated
I shall have to entreat that you exit
Max I can assure you I'm not intoxicated
And have no desire at all to exit
Bouncer Sir, you are clearly very intoxicated
I shall have to beseech that you exit
Max I can assure you I'm not intoxicated
And have no impulse whatever to exit
Bouncer Sir, you are clearly very intoxicated
I shall have to require that you exit
Max I can assure you I'm not intoxicated
And have not the slightest plan to exit
Bouncer Sir, you are clearly very intoxicated
I shall have to insist that you exit
Max I can assure you I'm not intoxicated
And have no wish whatsoever to exit
Bouncer Sir, you are clearly very intoxicated
I shall have to demand that you exit
Max I can assure you I'm not intoxicated
And have zero intention to exit
The bouncer eventually manhandles Max off the dancefloor.
Max Oh insult!
Mortal injury!
Once again fatally misunderstood by philistines,
My beautiful dance like rubies strewn before these scornful swine
Bettina, we're leaving!
Bettina, we're leaving!
The bouncer exits with Max propelled in front, Bettina follows reluctantly.
Scene 4
The street outside the club once again. Vendetta and Joan are performing vigilante roadworks – filling in holes in the road and pavement, levelling off bumps etc. It all seems to be going rather well so far.
Vendetta Ah, Clubland. Clubland's where it's at -
Prime vigilante roadworks territory.
With all the cavalcades of pink shrieking limousines
Careening teenagers and group pukings into handbags
Who's going to bat an eyelid at two nice young ladies
carrying power tools and some cement?
This road is looking better already.
Joan I want to be able to glide across it
With a stack of ten tin trays balanced on my head
And not feel a wobble in any of them
Just like when I was back at finishing school
Vendetta You never went to finishing school
Joan I did so go to finishing school
Vendetta You never went to finishing school
Joan I did so go to finishing school
Vendetta You never went to finishing school
(repeats until...)
Joan I did... a correspondence course.
At a finishing school.
Distance learning is still learning.
The clue is in the name.
Vendetta Still, isn't this nice?
Improving our environment?
Helping the community?
Joan I've never once in my life wished or wanted to 'help the community'
The general public is a dirty animal
I have no desire to help them at all
This Miss is as charitable as a fox
Whenever the buck is passed to me,
Rest assured that with me
Is never ever ever ever whatsoever where it stops (D.C.)
Vendetta Well whatever your reasons
I must say
You fill a pothole marvellously
Fantastic
Hey, old grandmama's visiting soon
Perhaps she can join in and help when she arrives
She'd like that
Good job
Shall we continue over there?
Vendetta and Joan exit taking their roadworking equipment with them. They sing together as they exit.
Vendetta & Joan Nothing like vigilante roadworks
There is nothing like it
Nothing
Like vigilante roadworks
That's for sure
Immediately following Vendetta and Joan's exit, Max is suddenly propelled out into the street, followed implacably by a bouncer. Bettina steps out of the club doorway also.
Max (shakes fist or similar)
You'll be hearing from my lawyer!
I'm as sober as a judge,
And that judge will take my side
I'll see you barbarians in court!
Come on, Bettina, let's go...
Bettina has been standing staring transfixedly at the bouncer who frisked her earlier. There is no queue at the moment. She replies distractedly...
Bettina Oh, just you go on ahead, Max
I forgot something
Just need now to go back
For... something
Vendetta & Joan reenter the stage. Max espies them...
Max Hey Vendetta.
Vendetta That's what they call me.
Max Would you care to be my lawyer?
Vendetta Sure, I've got three whole weeks
Experience dating twelve lawyers
And plenty time to kill
Sure I'll be your lawyer, what else are friends for?
Max Great. Our court case starts in five.
Just as soon as we shimmy-infiltrate the club back window...
I'm going to take this up
Right up
Directly up
All the way up
With Management
Max and Vendetta exit.
Bettina has been queueing during the above. Her turn arrives and she now steps back up to the bouncer, who impassively performs the precise same security checks on her as earlier – frisking etc.
Bettina For so long now, each and every human touch has failed to satisfy me
Yet now I'm gaining ecstatic pleasure being briskly frisked in a doorway
She is permitted entrance into the club.
But once in the club I stand in dejection
Body beseeching stern fresh reinspection
She exits the club and gets in line to be frisked once again.
For so long now, each and every human touch has failed to satisfy me
Yet now I'm gaining ecstatic pleasure being briskly frisked in a doorway
She is permitted entrance into the club.
But once in the club, I throb and sob in purgation
Yearning for his skin-scorching flagellations
She exits the club and gets in line to be frisked once again.
For so long now, each and every human touch has failed to satisfy me
Yet now I'm gaining ecstatic pleasure being briskly frisked in a doorway
She is permitted entrance into the club.
But once in the club I catch myself lingering
Ascending again for just one more delicious anonymous fingering
She exits the club and gets in line to be frisked once again.
Bouncer Excuse me Madam
I can't help but notice...
Bettina Yes?
Bouncer ...that you are in and out of here a lot.
From this I can only deduce
You're a drug dealer
This is of course fine
Provided you possess your club-endorsed drug-dealing licence
Failure to present upon request means banishment
Bettina Oh no
I'm no drug dealer
Far from it
Took the test three times
And failed on every occasion
Ha ha
No, I'm just
Out here for a cigarette
Out here for a cigarette
That's all
Bouncer Then Madam
If you’ll forgive my polite yet forthright suspicion
Why have I never yet seen you smoke?
Bettina Uh...
Cigarette, please?
Might anyone have a spare cigarette?
Bettina is inundated with offers, and suddenly finds herself smoking five or six cigarettes simultaneously.
See?
Bouncer My apologies, Madam.
Please feel free
To make your way
In and out of our door
Anytime
Anytime
Scene 5
Max and Vendetta enter the club. Vendetta dressed as a lawyer.
The action freezes...The cry goes up.
Crowd Banished
Banished
Banished
Yet now returned
What can this mean?
Max Didn't I say
You'd be hearing from my lawyer?
Well guess what
This is you
About to
Be
Very much
Hearing from my lawyer
At this cliffhanger, we cut to an advert break
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When resuming after advert break, repeat as much as desired, as a recap.
Vendetta identifies the management and appeals to both them and crowd.
Vendetta Your Honour
Your Honours
Your banishment
Of my client
Will not stand
Would be thrown out
By any court
In the land
Vendetta This dance which telegraphs pure drunkenness
(sim. w. M) Is instead just his wretched clumsy curse
For when it comes to dancing
There is simply no-one worse
Max This dance which telegraphs pure drunkenness
(sim w. V) Is instead just my wretched clumsy curse
My dance so bold it makes
Walls strip off their paint lustily
Crowd A fascinating tale
Although a little incredible
If only we might hear
More evidence from
A medical professional...
Re-enter Vendetta attired as a Doctor.
Vendetta Your banishment
Of my patient
Will not stand
Would be scoffed at
By any doctor
In the land
Vendetta This dance which telegraphs pure drunkenness
(sim w. M) Is instead just his wretched clumsy curse
For when it comes to dancing
There is simply no-one worse
Max This dance which telegraphs pure drunkenness
(sim w. V) Is instead just my wretched clumsy curse
My dance so bold
I’m mistaken for drunk by all who see
Crowd A fascinating tale
And not entirely not credible
If only we might hear
More evidence from
A law enforcement professional...
Re-enter Vendetta uniformed as a Police Officer.
Vendetta Your Honour
Your Honours
Your banishment
Of this citizen
Will not stand
Would be gunned down
By any lawman
In the land
Vendetta This dance which telegraphs pure drunkenness
(sim w. M) Is instead just his wretched clumsy curse
For when it comes to dancing
There is simply no-one worse
Max This dance which telegraphs pure drunkenness
(sim w. V) Is instead just my wretched clumsy curse
I’m ahead of my time
So ahead of my time
Crowd A fascinating tale
And ultimately highly credible
We declare we now lift
Sentence of banishment from
This trailblazing dancefloor transgressional
Sober
Sober
Indubitably sober
Lift the banishment
(His banishment is lifted)
Max dances once again – with the same results as previously – he comes across as completely wasted. The Crowd continue to sing as he dances.
Crowd Sober
Sober
Unbanished and sober
Lift the banishment
(His banishment is lifted)
The club's manager steps forward to present Max with a certificate.
The Manager hands Max the certificate – his licence to dance.
Applause from the Crowd.
Suddenly the main bouncer enters from outside the club.
Bouncer Right you
You're banished and you know it
Time to beat your feet in retreat sharpish, pal
Or else I'll be obliged to beat them for you
Crowd No no
Leave him
Give over
He's sober
He's sober
Bouncer Horse twaddle
If this guy is sober
I'll quit the profession
Max resumes/continues dancing.
Bouncer My liege
Ladies and gentlemen
Whom I serve and protect
I'll stake my honour to it
My professional honour
If this prancing sot is truly sober
I solemnly declare
This profession and I
Are over
The revellers are on tenterhooks – you could hear the proverbial pin drop.
Vendetta appears in a fourth costume, as a Scientist – and breathalyses Max.
The breathalyser results are gingerly passed to the bouncer, who immediately tears off and crumples his doorman's insignia.
Crowd No, no
It's OK bouncer
Anyone could make the same mistake
No problem
We're all still friends
Bouncer Thank you kindly
But I have sworn
This badge I've worn
It's been an honour
But I'll go now
And trouble you good folk no longer
Bouncer marches offstage with his hat/jacket/professional uniform paraphernalia tucked under his arm as the crowd look on dolorously and in sympathy – if this were a Looney Tunes cartoon, the funeral march or some similar dirge would most definitely be heard - then as soon as he leaves the stage, frolicking and partying breaks out inappropriately and comically suddenly once again, and the revelry recommences...
This has all taken place just before Bettina finally reaches the top spot in the queue.
Bettina Oh, you have got to be freakin' kidding me.
Scene 6
The end of the street upon which Joan lives. A curious boothlike wooden construction is to be seen, clearly as yet only half-built.
Vendetta and Joan enter – perhaps the former is giving the latter a piggyback? At any rate, tired but happy, their labours are done.
Joan Kind thanks for escorting me home, Vendetta.
Vendetta You're welcome
We've achieved a good night's work
Old Grandmama would be proud
Joan (regarding new wooden structure)
But what's this?
Is this one of ours?
Have you been
Constructing your sly little sculptures
On my street again
Behind my back?
Vendetta No
Not this vigilante, ha ha
Tonight's dynamising activities
Have been restricted to
Mere pothole-filling for me
I swear it
Joan This is exceeding curious
This wasn't here when I left home this afternoon
Vendetta See, we're inspiring the community already
Looks like we're not the only ones engaged in
Vigilante roadworks
Joan Vulgar vagrant shedworks
More like.
I don’t like it.
Vendetta This neighbourhood
Inspired by our bold example
Has just shown to us a sample
Of its capacity for change
Seeds we're planting
Through street improvement actions
Caused this shed to manifest here
Like some hopeful shoot of risen grain
Vendetta exits.
Joan It's a shed, Vendetta
A shed
A very shedlike shed
How frightful
How ominous
How frightfully ominous
I don't like it
Joan regards the construction with some suspicion, then glides off towards
her own home and sleep.
Scene 7
Bettina, alone.
Bettina Oh once joy and pleasure were so simple
What joys, pleasures remain to me now?
That uniquely dreamy bouncer
Who engorged my every contour
I shall see nevermore,
Nevermore
I’m stumbling home after dark
Booze-sodden, cough-ridden
And I appear to be a smoker
Yes I appear to be a smoker
For love
I became a smoker
For love
Whatever happened to running in the park?
I used to delight in running in the park
I’m bold enough now to do it after dark
Perhaps joy still lies in running very fast around the park?
She jogs experimentally, still smoking energetically the entire way
Now that’s a kooky combo
Thrilling and exhilarating
Cigarettes and exercise!
I bet it would be fun
To run a marathon
Chainsmoking the entire way
I’ll breast the finishing tape
Like some resplendent factory chimney
Carcinogenic, applause-drenched and gliding
Sailing in graceful motion
Like a ship newly-christened
First kissing the ocean
Cigarette jutting upward from my lip
Like some bright blazing trophy won already
I’ll gain honour, glory
Not to mention a good story -
The chainsmoking marathon man
Endurance artist for our era
An inspiration to children huddled puffing behind bike sheds everywhere
Magical bouncer? What magical bouncer?
I see a chainsmoking marathon in this miss’s future
Sticks two more cigarettes in mouth, lights them up and jogs off heroically.
Bettina sweeps out grandiosely.
Scene 8
Morning. Joan emerges from her home to find a tollbooth fully erected at the end of her street, occupied by the Council.
Council Toll please.
Joan What fresh hell are you?
And what's this toll of which you speak?
Council We're your friendly local Council.
Roadwork improvements in your locality
Have given rise to a new toll, levy, fee
Tariff, cost, expense,
Toll please
Joan Improvements in the area?
But I'm the one responsible
For these improvements in the area!
Me, myself, I, this Miss -
Is the personage responsible
Council After a fashion, madam, aren't we all responsible
Through the enmeshed fine fabric weave of society
Nonetheless, that fact notwithstanding –
Toll please
Joan Oh thieves of the credit for others' good deeds
Place your bleak leech of a tollbooth at the end of my street
The pitiful limits of my world now cruelly tangible to me
For trespassing their boundaries I'm to be extorted of a fee
Council That's entirely correct –
Toll please.
Joan And what happens if I don't pay?
The Council leans over and whispers into Joan's ear. She blanches.
Joan I see
Well for today
I'll pay you
Your lousy toll
Plus a little something extra...
The Hex!
She gestures dramatically in a hexing motion of some kind..
I proclaim this Hex upon you
Red revenge will promptly pursue
Your vulgar lean-to empire
Shall soon be as the ashes of some spent bonfire
She pays the toll.
Council Thanks for your toll, madam
See you again
We hope
Joan The Hex (she gestures dramatically once again)
Will be seeing you first
That much I'll give as guarantee
You shall royally rue
The day you
Imposed your toll on me
She exits.
Scene 9 – Finale (The Marathon)
Bettina in running gear, covered in nicotine patches and chainsmoking multiple cigarettes furiously, waits her turn at the starting line.
The signal for the race to begin occurs.
She takes off, and appears to be racing very well indeed.
Bettina 5 miles in I'm at the front of the field
10 miles in still at the front of the field
15 miles in now streets ahead of the field
20 miles in, I'm gonna win this thing
25 miles in, just a few scant blocks away from finishing
V & M & J & Crowd
Bettina you're going to win this thing
You're really going to win this thing –
Racing ahead, Bettina encounters an unexpected obstacle – a tollbooth. She is forced to decelerate and jog on the spot as she attempts to navigate it.
Council If you could stop right there please madam
No smoking in this improvemented area madam
Kindly extinguish cigarettes before proceeding, madam
Oh yes and one more thing
Toll please
Bettina You are aware
I'm running a marathon here?
Council That's right
Toll please
Bettina You are aware
The route goes right through here?
Council That's right
Toll please
Bettina The greatest soul of philanthropy
In recorded human history
e.g.
St. Francis Of Assisi
Even he
Would not set out to run
No goddamn marathon
Carrying coins in pockets, it seems to me
The first of Bettina's competitors catch up with her, and run through the tollbooth, tossing coins in the booth as they go.
Council Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou
Toll please
Bettina removes her earrings and throws them in the booth as payment.
Council That will do nicely, thankyou kindly
Now if you can please extinguish your cigarettes, madam
We can let you on your way
Perhaps they hold out an ashtray-like receptacle of some kind
Bettina Sure you can take them…
From my cold dead lips!
Bettina bursts past the tollbooth, multiple cigarettes still smoking away.
Council SECURITY! SECURITY!
Bettina No security can stop me being me
Council SECURITY! SECURITY!
Bettina No security can stop me racing free
I am a smoke torpedo
Of quite supernatural speed, oh
A zippy racing glowing chimney
You dull deadbeats cannot catch me
This one's for you, you children
Huddled puffing behind bikesheds everywhere
This chainsmoking marathon
Is for the children
My stupendous chainsmoking marathon
I dedicate
To all the children
Members of the security team appear, and try and wrestle Bettina's cigarettes off her – she resists at first, furiously, but then an additional member of security joins the fray, and both we and Bettina realise it is none other than her former paramour the chief nightclub Bouncer... Presumably now working race security short-term while considering potential new avenues in life.
As soon as their eyes meet there is some kind of dramatic shift in mood, we are only inside Bettina's head and her feelings for the Bouncer, as the external soundworld of the race fades away entirely. Bettina's attraction to the Bouncer reasserts itself with a vengeance... as soon as she sees him, she throws her cigarettes aside and leaps into his arms with wild sexual abandon, and is carried off with him gladly.
Bettina's discarded cigarettes have flown through the window of a nearby building – and with great speed a fire catches and flames begin to lick at the structure. This building, as luck would have it, is none other than the new nightclub...
Crowd Fire
Fire
The club is on fire
Inferno
(Disco)
Inferno
(Disco)
What to do in case of fire?
Let it burn
Nightclubs are empty in the daytime
Let it burn
That place was getting played-out anyway
Offering nothing to anyone
Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn
Max enters and falls to his knees in despair.
Max Oh my palace
My mecca
My permission to live
So dies my dance
And so dies all beauty
My dreams conflagrated
Mangled, battered and sooty
I'll never dance again
No never never dance again
As the club continues to burn, and the Crowd and Max witness its immolation raptly, Vendetta and Joan enter with power tools and commence demolishing the tollbooth with extreme prejudice, with Joan periodically reprising her Hex gesture from earlier as she does so. The Council flee the booth in panic, as 'Vigilante Roadworks' reprises instrumentally & the curtain falls on Episode 1.